Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.