[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.