Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.