Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us