*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?