Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge