*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.