Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.