me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me, flirting😏
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat