Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.