You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?