I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Do not levitate over flowers
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.