I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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