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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.