Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The point of your 20s