Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Oh we’ve met.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.