Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM