[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.