My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh