Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.