Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.