Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.