recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean