At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Mornin
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”