I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation