My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m not wrong
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.