Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.