I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.