There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
All I鈥檓 saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey鈥檚 dad and nobody measures up.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn鈥檛 my best idea.
Purgatory but it鈥檚 just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 馃槵
I don鈥檛 wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I鈥檓 stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*