[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.