dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.