Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.