Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.