#SCOTUS one-star review
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
classic mixup
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.