when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
ACED my prostate exam!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat