wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”