Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You Might Also Like
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet