I think we should hear other voices.
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Sorry I made promises on Friday
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Air conditioning – not a fan
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.