People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
You Might Also Like
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.