Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.