I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
mmm onion ringos
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*