What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container