[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
You Might Also Like
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*limbos away from your hug*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.