If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I鈥檓 giving you a wedgie
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
me at 14: can鈥檛 wait to travel the whole world once i鈥檓 earning my own money
me now: mustn鈥檛 forget that tupperware at work, it鈥檚 my only one
Me: get out, it鈥檚 my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE鈥橵E EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
ME: I鈥檓 so nervous. It鈥檚 my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god鈥檚 delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you鈥檙e too drunk to vacuum ?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit