Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.