*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I love you…
…r dog.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.