[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream