When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Kermit goes Blue.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.