The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.