Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
scared to check what name she chose
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
i think my razor is having a panic attack